Happy Holidays!!!

Wow, so it’s officially twelve days until Christmas. It’s getting to be that crunch time where all those last minute details and shopping trips are being taken care of and we are preparing for all the holiday festivities that will soon be taking place. I sincerely hope that everyone has an amazing holiday season surrounded by those that are most important to you. But I have one short request for all of you. As you are taking part in all the holiday celebrations and enjoying all the great things in your life please keep in mind those that may not be feeling the holiday spirit to the fullest.

Please remember and most importantly reach out to those who:

·         Might be experiencing the first Christmas since an important person in their life has passed. Send a card, give them a call, invite them to dinner, do something to let them know you are thinking of them as they are struggling to find the new normal to the holiday season.  If that person is you, do what is right for YOU! Don’t let anyone tell you what you should be thinking or feeling, this situation is new to you and YOU need to do what is best for you. Sure there is the chance that you might offend someone, but doing what is right for you is more important than pleasing others right now!

·         Struggling with another year of not being able to conceive. I wrote about this topic in a past post, and it’s not always something that everyone is aware of, as it’s a highly personal and emotional situation. Holidays can be very difficult for couples struggling with infertility. New babies might be at the celebrations, well meaning relatives might ask when they are going to add to the family etc. If you’re not sure of a couple’s situation, please keep your comments to yourself. If you are aware of their current struggles, ask them what would be helpful to get through the holidays. Sometimes all that woman needs is a good “buffer” from the aunt who can’t keep her comments to herself at the dinner table!!

·         The veteran returning from war. Returning to civilian life can be a very difficult situation. Homecomings are extremely happy times for all involved. However for those returning from war, the transition home can take a considerable amount of time to adjust to a completely different way of life. This is not a topic I want to glaze over, but I feel that all the things that can go into about this situation need to be put in a post of it’s own. The bottom line, is remember that this person might be facing a very big struggle to adjust to life back home and to be patient with them and be supportive.

·         All the people in your life going through a tough time, such as a divorce, a child who has moved away and spending their first Christmas away from home, someone who might be estranged from a family member or those that know this might be the last Christmas with a loved one. What it all boils down to is please be supportive and mindful of those that are facing new challenges this holiday season.

I do truly wish everyone the happiest of holidays and an incredible new year. But please stick this in the back of your mind as you head out for your holiday festivities, as you never know how much of an impact you do have on others and how you could make this holiday a little easier on someone you care about.

And as always, if you know someone who is really struggling and might benefit from help from a therapist, please give me a call. If I can’t assist you, I will point you in the right direction and assist you in getting the help that is needed! Merry Christmas everyone!!!

FREE COUNSELING!

Once again, I get so used to being in this field and the lingo and what I think is common knowledge that I need to remember that a lot of people might not be aware of what the heck is coming out of my mouth.  And, yes, that title was not one of those “too good to be true” sort of things! I was talking with someone with the other day about seeking counseling/therapy services in general and I suggested that person check out their employers EAP. I was soon met with a very blank look and a “what’s that”?

EAP, or Employee Assistance Program is that of which, your employer and most likely your insurance program will pay for a certain number of allotted sessions with a therapist to discuss life’s stressors that can sometimes get in the way of our time at work. Relationships issues, stress, depression, grief and anxiety are just a few things that can interfere with our day to day functioning. There is no co-pay or deductible and you go see the therapist at no cost to you. When a person accesses this service, you would call a number provided through your insurance company or Human Resources Department and most likely you will be asked a small amount of questions about what you are dealing with and then you will be allotted a certain number of sessions with a counselor. In some cases, you are assigned a counselor, in other cases, you are provided a list of possible providers and you will get to call and in a sense “interview” the counselor before making an appointment to ensure a good fit.  You are NOT speaking with a person from your company about what is going on, as EAPs are brokered out to an outside company who handles all referrals etc. Therefore, you don’t have to worry about talking to your boss about what is going on personally and that help is needed.

Employers are seeing more and more the benefit of a person being at their best in the work place. We are all human, and when something is off kilter in the personal aspect of our lives, we can’t always give one hundred percent to our work. This is an amazing benefit, to get the help that is needed to make is easier to function during the workday as well as when you get home at night!  As I stated above, you will be allotted a certain number of sessions and if you will require or want to continue to see a counselor, then be open with your counselor about where you are coming from as far as then going through insurance to cover the cost of your sessions or paying out of pocket. Whatever the case, when accessing EAP services, the information you give to a counselor in an appointment, does NOT ever go back to your employer, as everything is kept 100% confidential. (There are some cases in which confidentiality has to be broken, however and your therapist will review these things with you in your first appointment).  Also, it’s not only for the employed person. Every EAP has their own policies, but what I have found in most cases, is that family members can access this service too, if they are under the insurance of the employed person. A good resource is your human resources representative to answer questions for you or to provide you with a number to call and get the answers that you need.

Hopefully, this little post was helpful for you and maybe provides you with an avenue you haven’t thought of before. I would be happy to answer any questions you have about this or any topic, so please don’t hesitate to leave a comment here, call me at 636-294-5490 or email me at ldenisonlpc@gmail.com. And if you like what you hear on this blog, become a follower!  I really do look forward to hearing from you! Have a wonderful week everyone!

So Now, What Do You Do?

I have been in this field for quite some time now and pretty immune to all the “lingo” that goes along with my job. I sometimes forget and take for granted that others automatically know what I do. The truth is, that’s not the case. I get all kinds of phone calls on a daily basis asking exactly what I do….so here it is folks, a rundown of what you get  (or don’t get) when you see a counselor.

I DON’T prescribe medications. You need to see your MD or a psychiatrist for that. A psychiatrist is a doctor, went to med school and is a wealth of knowledge for when it comes to needed medications for things like depression and anxiety. Your regular family doctor might prescribe these medications for a short time, however they might eventually refer you to a psychiatrist for further follow up to ensure the medications are working the correct way. When you see a psychiatrist, don’t be disappointed when they don’t see you for an hour every time you are there. They don’t generally run their practice for talk therapy, but rather for medication management.

I don’t work miracles in one appointment. Some people come to me and want to know exactly what to do after that first appointment to never have to come back again. I wish it were that easy. However, when you see me for the first time, a lot of that hour is information gathering. I need to get to know why you are in my office. I need to know what you are dealing with, what has worked in the past and what hasn’t. It’s generally the second appointment that the “work” begins. I will help you set goals for yourself and for our time together, but in dealing with emotional issues, there is no quick fix. Some people only need to see me for a few weeks, others need a few months and others need to come in once a month for a year. I am going to work with you and have you come in to benefit you, I am not in the business to waste your time or mine. I truly want to help you and nothing makes me happier than when you don’t need to see me as often, as this means good things are happening!

I don’t get surprised by anything. I have seen and heard just about all of it. Don’t be ashamed to tell me anything. Honesty is the only way you are going to help yourself and if I don’t have all the pieces to the puzzle, I can’t help you reach your goals to the fullest extent. I care for all of my clients and when you are in my office, you are the focus of my complete attention. Due to the nature of my job and the things I do hear on a daily basis, I am able to check it at the door when I go home for the night. I am pretty sure just about any counselor would agree. I am not there to judge you or the actions you have taken in the past. I am human too, I have made mistakes and have my own quirks. When you are in my office, I see a person who wants to make changes and learn from those things in their past that aren’t always so pleasant. That is what I am going to focus on, how you can learn from things and where to go from here.

There might be that instance when we don’t click and that I am not the best equipped to help you. Please tell me your thoughts and we can go from there. I can refer you to someone who I think can help you better. Just like any other relationship, two people just might not click and that’s okay. Just please don’t stop coming, but again, be honest and let me help you to find the avenues that will benefit you the best!

When you walk in my office, I see you and want to help you with whatever you are dealing with. Stress, anxiety, depression, grief, relationship issues, and trauma are just a few of the things that I see on a daily basis. But how you struggle and cope with depression is different than someone else with depression. I don’t do “cookie cutter” therapy. I will focus on your strengths and help you build from there. I love nothing more than helping bring to light the positive aspects in your life and within you that you can use to get back to living a healthy and productive life! You deserve it! And if you have more questions, PLEASE don’t hesitate to call, I would be happy to speak with you further! And on that note, I answer my own phone (no office help just yet), so if you get the answering machine, please leave a message, I WILL call you back just as soon as I can in that same day.

Once again, I hope everyone is having a great week! And as always, I love to hear feedback, so leave a comment or e-mail me anytime for things you might want to see on here along with any questions or comments.  And it might just give me the push to keep to my promise of updating this once a week as initially promised!!!

To All You Dad's Out There

I am sharing the link to a blog called the Engaged Father. This is written by someone I knew way back when in high school and I thought I would take a quick minute to give him a shout out for bringing light to a subject that doesn't always get talked about. It's for all you dad's out there, who are providing for your family, raising kids and being a husband or partner. We tend to focus on mom's so much that the role of dad is sometimes a little glossed over. It's a tough job I appreciate all you dad's out there who ae working hard to be a positive role in your children's lives!!
Have a great week everyone!!

The Engaged Father  http://engagedfather.wordpress.com/

Don't Jump!!!!!!!

No, I’m not talking about jumping off that bridge! I see it everyday, we jump to quick conclusions about why people might be possibly acting the way they are, usually in a negative light. We get easily irritated and usually automatically thing people are just being rude. However, have you ever thought about other possibilities? We all put on some sort of face when we leave the house, not wanting someone to know that inside things are not going completely as normal. So I ask you to consider….

That woman who just cut you off in traffic…might be racing to the hospital to be with a loved one after a horrible phone call about an accident.

Your child who is withdrawing from you every day….might not want to burden you with the fact they are being bullied at school.

Your friend who is not returning your calls all of sudden…might be afraid you will read between the lines and realize she is being abused by her husband.

The old man in front of you at the grocery store taking a very long time counting his money…might be struggling with the early stages of Alzheimer’s and realizes that things are never going to be the same.

A friend who declined an initiation to your baby shower with no valid reason…might have just taken her 12^th negative pregnancy test this year and can’t bring herself to talk about it without breaking down uncontrollably.

The co-worker who no longer joins you at the lunch table…might be in his office researching the diagnosis of cancer his son just received and is too shocked and scared to share the news with anyone.

There are so many struggles that people face in this world that can explain behavior that we quickly assume as being rude. Let’s face it, some people can be rude for no reason. However, I encourage you to think about consider the fact that there might be something else going on. Be a friend and ask them if there is anything they want to talk about. Keeping it all in can be the biggest battle and people need to be listened to sometimes and feel some compassion.

Just Had to Share....

A friend on facebook posted this the other day and I attempted to be able to put the whole thing on the page of this blog, but can't figure out how...so here is a link that I thought I would share. As a mother of two young girls, it really hits home and gives me as an adult something to think about as well. Hope you all are having an AWESOME day!!!

http://blog.pigtailpals.com/2011/08/waking-up-full-of-awesome/


On a side note, I will be returning to work VERY soon and will be scheduling appointments, so if you know anyone in need, have them give me a call, phone consulatations are readily available and free! Thanks for reading!!!

Black and White

Yes it is the year 2011. Technology is everywhere to make our lives simple, quick and easy. But I have a confession….I still pay my bills by writing a check and putting it in the mail. Pretty out dated way of doing things huh? The truth is, I like writing it down and tracking everything in my checkbook. When I am forced to put it to paper, I can see where my money is going and from there make changes accordingly. If I just looked at it on the bank website, I might just glance at it and go about my day. There are definitely some perks of getting things down the old fashioned way on pen and paper.

I frequently tell people that I see the same thing. Getting things down on paper can have great results when dealing with other issues in your life as well. A teen can benefit greatly from having a journal as a private place to record thoughts that they don’t want to share with parents or friends. A recovering addict might benefit from recording how much money was spent on their habit over the course of a month or a year to see one of the benefits from staying clean. A person going through the end of a relationship can find it helpful and releasing to write a letter to the other person to get all the thoughts left hanging out and not bottled up anymore. (Although, sometimes it might be good not to send that one!) A person dealing with grief can find it helpful to write letters to the loved one that is gone and taking it to the gravesite to leave for that person as one way or working through grief.

The point is, sometimes when things are out instead of swimming around in your head can make things more clear and enable you to focus on things in a different way. I often refer these thoughts as like a sneeze you are trying to hold it, you can try and try, but it comes out in some way and the longer you try to hold it in, the more unpleasant it is when it does come out. Our emotions are the same way. We can’t keep them bottled for a long time, as they eventually come out. Of course I feel that the best way to work through things is talking about them. But on the other hand, we also know ourselves the best and getting things out on pen and paper can give you a clearer understanding on where you are and where you want to go.  

On a side note, I am currently on leave from working as I am taking maternity leave to be with my little one. I will continue to update this blog (again, hopefully more frequently) and am looking forward to getting back in the swing of things. And as always, love to hear your comments etc., so let me know what you think and if you want me to write about anything in particular here!!! It’s good to be back!

You Just Have No Idea….

So here I am updating the “weekly” blog a month later…..whoops once again!! I think I need to be a better boss to myself these days! It’s been a pretty busy month for me and I am finally doing the catch up that is needed right now in many areas, including this blog. My family had to say good-bye to my grandmother this past month. She was an amazing woman and lived a very full life in her 91 years here with us.  As with any death of a loved one, the memories are sure to come and I was no different and one memory that stands out is one that I have actually been meaning to bring up on here.

Shortly after my boyfriend proposed we went to go tell my grandma the news. And by shortly after, I mean that the ring was put on my finger about two hours prior to showing up at her house.  Grandma was happy for us, but after her congratulations, she went on to say something to the tune of “I am happy for you all, but you really have no idea what you are getting into”. Really grandma, these are the words you are choosing for your newly engaged granddaughter? She went on to say how marriage is a lot of hard work and you just don’t realize it and the amount of work marriage takes until you are in the midst of married life. Granted her and grandpa were married 55 years, so she obviously knew what she was talking about.

At that time, I didn’t think much about it and enjoy retelling this story to cousins of who are at the age of getting married etc. But the more I think about it and the more I work with couples on a weekly basis, I begin to think about relationships and marriage in a new light. Does anyone actually view their relationship as “work”?  Do you respond to things your boss requests of you differently than you would when your spouse requests something of you? Do you treat your spouse with the same respect you would give a co-worker or potential client? Our spouses or significant others are supposed to be a main focus in our life and a priority, however, as normal human beings, we can forget that and it gets easy to take that person for granted when everything else gets busy or stressful. Due to the world right now, a lot of people are not in a place that they can take their job for granted and will go the extra mile needed to maintain employment. But how many of us will go that extra mile if they feel that their relationship is on the line? Or do other things get in the way and the relationship, the thing that is probably more valuable than a job in the long run, gets put on the back burner? I know that my grandparents had their ups and downs, but the importance of family and their marriage was always a priority and I believe that to some extent, they viewed it as "work".  I could go on and on and on regarding this topic, but just wanted to get my thoughts down and possibly give out some more food for thought. As always, I would love to hear comments, questions etc about this topic or anything else on here! I hope everyone is having a GREAT summer and staying cool!

Just a Quick Thought for the Day

“Rather than wishing for change, you first must be prepared to change” Catherine Pulsifer

Everyone that comes through my door wants some sort of change. Change in relationships, change in level of happiness, change in overall life satisfaction etc. Like the quote says, the very first step is getting prepared for that change. Sometimes change comes easy, sometimes it doesn’t. But you have to be prepared and ready to put the effort in to make real change in your life. Don’t wait for it to happen, don’t wait for someone else to do it for you, you have the power to make the changes you need!

I could and should go into more depth here, but thought I would just throw this out there to hopefully prompt you to start turning your own wheels if you are contemplating change. YOU know yourself the best and what is going to work best for you. And as always, if you need a little help with where to begin, give me a call, I am always here to help!!!!

And as far as the picture, it just made me laugh at myself with my own fear of technology sometimes and that sometimes change is just a little hard to adjust to for ALL of us!! Happy Tuesday everyone!!!

Date Night

Did you read those words and think you were reading a foreign language? If, so, I think it might be a good idea to keep reading! Sorry for the lapse in posts here, been a little busy around here lately, no excuse, I know!

Anyway, I wanted to write a short something about spending some time with our significant others. Sounds easy enough right? Do something as a couple and enjoy each other’s company if even for a few hours? I wish it was that easy. For those of you with children and full time jobs, carving out that time for the ones we choose to be with can feel like an almost impossible task.  Is it important for your relationship?  ABSOLUTELY!!!!

We tend to take for granted those that are closest to us, mainly our spouses or significant others. It’s a pretty nice feeling to know they are always going to be there no matter what. However, I seem to be meeting with more and more couples and individuals who can’t really recall the last time quality time was spent with their spouse. And truthfully, it’s not just professionally I am speaking about personally as well. I remember taking a class in grad school and the professor taught several nights a week and was a mother to five children. She stated at one point that she and her husband made it a point to put the kids to bed at a decent time and they sat outside together and actually talked to each other. At the time, I was planning my wedding and I thought, well, that seems like a no brainer, of course my spouse will be very high on the priority list in my life. The reality though, is that it rarely happens that I even think to put him first. A lot of our quality time is spent on the couch watching TV. Sure we are together, but only in proximity some nights.

I wish I had the magic wand to say, ok, on the first Saturday of every month, take some time out for you and your loved one and it will magically happen. The errands will be done, the babysitter will magically appear and things will be wonderful. But sadly, that’s not the case. But the importance of finding that time is GREATLY needed in any relationship. Date nights don’t have to be extravagant, they can be as easy as turning off the TV and talking. Getting out of the house even for an hour or two and do something that you used to enjoy as a couple before children came along can make you feel so much better! I encourage at least starting thinking about this and to hopefully start “scheduling” some of that time with your spouse. The benefits really do show!!

A Few Words of Wisdom

So this is another post on grief, and I can't take the credit for what is written, but I think this is some GREAT information. I can across this in an e-mail that I received and it talks about individuals going through the grief process and things to consider from those who are experiecning it first hand. Have a great weekend everyone!

Lessons from the Bereaved

Don’t tell me what I should do. The fact is, I AM doing what I should, whether it is crying, working, laughing, traveling, or doing nothing. Only I know what I SHOULD do at any given time and I need to learn to trust that personal wisdom without your judgments. Encourage me to look inward for knowing what is right for me, rather than relying on advice from others.

Resist telling me that you know just how I feel, because you can’t know, even if you have experienced a similar loss. My relationship to the one who died is unique and only I know our history together. It is much more helpful for me if you ask me what I am feeling and thinking, and allowing me to share that with you. I need to trust that you will listen without telling me not to feel that way. After all, when was the last time your anger evaporated when someone told you not to feel that way?

Listen to me when I need to talk, even when I repeat myself.Others turn away from me or try to distract me, not wanting to hear my stories over and over again. Perhaps they think that it is not healthy for me to dwell on what happened, but I need to sort it all out to come to some understanding of it. Sometimes the best way for me to do that is by talking. Your patience in listening to me is so appreciated.

Allow me to be who I am without worrying about meeting the expectations that others seem to have for widows or bereaved parents.Those expectations are not always spoken, yet they are real and they are perplexing to me. For example, when you compliment me on how good I look, I wonder what I am supposed to look like. I have never been in this situation before and it is distressing to no longer be able to rely on old habits and behavior patterns that were comfortable and predictable. My world has changed so abruptly that I am not even sure who I am without my loved one. I know this will change in the future, but for right now I need people who will simply accept who I am today by reminding me that it is okay for me to have no definitive answers regarding the future and by eliminating expectations regarding when I should be back to my “old self,”  for that may never happen.

Respect my silences and occasional need to be alone.Sometimes being with others simply takes more energy than I have. An unreturned phone call doesn’t mean I don’t care about you; I simply have limited energy and cannot do everything that I want to or that needs to be done. If I turn down an invitation to go out, please accept that gracefully and ask me again in the future.

Avoid minimizing my grief by telling me that “it was just a friend” or by reminding me that other people have experienced greater losses. I already know those things to be true and I am grateful every day that I still have much for which to be thankful. I need you to validate that my losses are real and that my grief is justified. My grief should not be compared to the grief experiences of others.

Remember that it is okay if I cry.You are not responsible for my tears--you did not make them happen. Sometimes, waves of grief overcome me and I seem to cry for no reason. I am learning to live with that and don’t want it to make you uneasy. Simply being with me and allowing those tears is comforting to me.

Offers to help are much easier for me if they are specific. I worry about imposing on others and probably will not call you if I need help. Therefore, a vague, “Call if you need anything.” is not helpful. Instead, if you call to say that you are on the way to the store and offer to pick up a few things for me, I would find that very helpful. Especially if I shopped with the person who died, shopping might be one of the tasks I most dread.

Never assume that I am over my grief. There is no time limit on grief. As I adjust to the reality that my life will never be the same again, I need you to continue to call or in other ways let me know that you still care. Some days are more difficult than others, such as birthdays, holidays, and the anniversary of the death. This does not end when the first year is over, so I appreciate your thoughtful cards and phone calls. It feels good to hear other people say the name of my loved one, for that lets me know that she is part of your memories too. One of my fears is that she will be forgotten, so when you mention her, it is reassuring that even though she is not here physically, she is still in your memory.

As caregivers, our intentions for those we are entrusted to help are benevolent. However, we need to remind ourselves that regardless of our professional training or personal experiences, the best support we can offer others is to let them tell us what they need. It is a precious gift that we call all give.

Lessons from the Bereaved, Copyright © 2011 by Catherine Johnson. All rights reserved.

Unchartered Territory

When I was going to grad school for my degree in counseling, the internet was still fairly new. Yes, I sound ancient as was there really life before the internet? We actually had to go to the library to research things…but I digress. Things have changed SO much in the past several years and I am curious about the future repercussions of all this information and social networking right at our finger tips. I would be willing to bet that in many years to come, classes will be offered on how to deal with all of this as professionals.

What I am getting at, is the major impact that social networking is having on our personal lives. Sites like Facebook, Twitter etc provide us with so much information about people at a moment’s notice. When Facebook first came into play, my first feeling was, “not something else to keep up with, I don’t have time for this”. Then I thought it was a glorified Classmates website. (I am really dating myself here). However, I was pleasantly surprised at all the benefits of this site. Reconnecting with people I haven’t talked to in ages. People I always wondered what happened to them and now I could, it was not just another thing to deal with. I was able to network, get ideas, commiserate with others who were in the same boat as me, keep up with family I don’t see on a regular basis etc.

BUT, and there is always a but….as my practice grows and I meet with more and more people, I have found that sites such as this can also be a source of stress, mainly in relationships. I also see the negative impact of it all. People deleting others, putting updates that aren’t kind and directed at specific people, removing pictures and the list goes on and on. It’s a challenge for me to assist people in working through it all as our society is changing from being forced from verbal communication to relying on the internet or text messages or e-mail to communicate. The problem is that a lot can be misinterpreted in this type of communication. You can’t convey tone or emotion in communicating electronically and a lot can be left up to interpretation, or misinterpretation. From there, it can lead to many hurt feelings and relationships being damaged and that’s not always the intended purpose.  I see a lot of drama that isn’t always warranted.

I wish I had a great answer for resolving all of this and how to ensure that the communication that is intended is received in the intended way. Sadly, there is no magic answer. My standpoint is to still encourage people to just ask another person just what is going in a relationship and not leave it up to trying to read between the lines. I realize that this is no easy feat at times, but living with the unknown can cause much increased anxiety and stress and frankly we don’t have time for in this face paced world.

Technology is great and has so many benefits. Please keep in mind how you use this technology and that there is always someone on the receiving end of things. Don’t get me wrong, technology has also made it easy to say those things that are so difficult to say in person (yes, I am guilty of this too) but in the end, what is most important is the relationship we have with other when the electricity is out and we can’t get on our computers!!!!

Have a GREAT rest of the week everyone and as always, I would love to hear if you have any ideas about future topics on here!

Kids and Counseling

When I first started on the venture of making counseling a career, I truly thought that adults would be the ONLY population I would see. I commended middle and high school teachers for being able to spend every day with the creatures I avoided the most. I wanted nothing to do with this age group. Nothing.

But in former jobs, I got a taste of working with teens and trudged through it, ready to move on to someone that I could rationalize with, with people who were better able to see things in a different light, with a different perspective on life in general. I soon learned that in building a private practice with people in my office, I would need to give up those ideals and see some teenagers and adolescents. Was I a little apprehensive about it? Absolutely! Was it also one of the best decisions I ever made? You bet.

I have come to find that teens and adolescents are the ones in need the most of someone outside of family to talk to. My preconceived notion of only those children coming from the most troubled homes needed counseling soon dissolved once I began meeting with more and more teens. I see those with very close family units, parents who are present and available to their kids and want nothing but the best for their children. It is amazingly hard to grow up in this world. Teens don’t always want to be open with their parents for a variety of reasons. Fear of getting in trouble, fear of disappointing their parents and loved ones, fear that what they are thinking is not normal, and worry that they just aren’t fitting into this world like they should.

What I was most worried about when meeting with a teen or adolescent was that it would be the LONGEST 50 minutes of my life, sitting there in silence with a kid who was forced to be there and didn’t want to be and therefore did not speak one word. I found the complete opposite, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief! This age group benefits greatly from having someone to talk to outside of the family and school atmosphere to get it all out in a supportive and comfortable environment. If someone is under 18, I do have the right to discuss anything said in a session with their parents. HOWEVER, I emphasize the fact that this is THEIR place. I will not tell their parents or guardians anything with them knowing it first. (Unless of course they threaten to harm themselves or someone else). I strive to provide that safe place for them to unload, to normalize what they are thinking and feeling and help them to work through things in a positive and healthy way. As it turns out, those 50 minutes goes by really fast and I sometimes wish that appointment could go on for two hours, not just one. Who knew?

So all you parents out there, I understand it is not always easy to come to the realization that they need someone besides you to talk to. As parents, from the day that child is born, we are  programmed to believe that we can fix it all, that a kiss to that boo boo and a good heart to heart talk will make it all better. However, as children get older and reach those middle and high school years, they face the struggles of finding their own way in this world and for many various reasons, can’t always be 100% open and honest with mom and dad. It has nothing to do with your parenting skills, it’s just the way this age is programmed to operate. So I encourage you that if you see your child in this age group to be struggling with something, get them help.  As always, my phone consultations are free and confidential and I would be happy to talk with you to discuss if counseling is the right answer for them, or some other option.

Dreaming...

HAPPY SPRING!!! It’s April, does that mean that FINALLY the snow is gone at least for several more months? It’s been a long winter and it is so nice to see the trees and flowers blooming, birds returning, my dogs chasing the squirrels through the yard and being able to enjoy the warm sunshine! Spring is a time of new things happening such as the baby birds and chicks making their way into this world.  For many people out there, it is bittersweet, as this is a time of new life, so many people in this world are aching on a daily basis for new life to happen for them. The last week of April is National Infertility Awareness Week and a topic I wanted to bring a little attention to on here.

Infertility continues to be one of those topics that isn’t talked about much. When a couple is going through this, it tends to be a private matter between the husband and wife and the doctor. They may not feel like talking about it for a number of reasons. They might feel inadequate that their bodies are not working the way nature intended and therefore, they are somewhat at fault for not being able to conceive. But it isn’t something they did or didn’t do.  It can be due to a medical condition than can sometimes be fixed. On the other hand, they might be told from the doctor that there is no medical explanation for why a baby isn’t happening for them.  This unknown can be incredibly frustrating and put a strain on relationships and make others areas of life hard to deal with. A woman going through infertility feels surrounded by others who are experiencing the joys of motherhood, men don’t know how to comfort their wives and increased stress for themselves. The joy of hoping to create life soon becomes a “job” and can put a strain on any relationship.

So why isn’t this something that is talked about more? I think it boils down to people don’t know what to say. For those who have never been through it, understanding is nearly impossible. Of course the same is true for many other situations as well. But women and men are often told by well meaning individuals to “relax and it will happen”, “stop thinking about it and it will happen” or “decrease the stress in your life and it will happen”. I know people mean well, but let’s be real. Telling someone to relax and they will conceive is like telling someone with a head cold to relax and you will feel all better, or stop thinking about that hacking cough you have and it will go away. If a person had that much control over being able to conceive, they would have had six babies by now! The best thing you can do for someone experiencing this is to just ask them if they want to talk about it. Ask them what it is like for them. Listen, listen and listen. They probably don’t want to hear how your second cousin’s wife’s brother’s sister got pregnant by eating sticks and berries. Or, they might not want to talk about it at all. It can be something that is one their mind constantly and to have some time out with a friend to get their minds off things can be great therapy as well.

I used to be so guilty of making hints to people without kids about pregnancy etc. I wish I could take it all back, as I didn’t always know if something else was going on for them and my questions hurt more. But thinking about it more, it saddens me that this is a topic that isn’t talked about more. I encourage you to support your friends and family who might be experiencing infertility and let them know you care. This is certainly a topic I could go on and on about as there are so many aspects of it that people don’t always consider. But hopefully by bringing just a little awareness to others is a good first step.  My thoughts are with you all who are dreaming of holding a little one in your arms some day and dreaming of becoming a mommy or a daddy!

Slowing Down Is Not A Bad Thing….I Promise!!!!!

I was with my daughter today at a restaurant that offers pizzas on the spot, no waiting and you are out the door with a quick and easy meal. Only they didn’t have a cheese pizza ready and we had to wait. As a place that we frequent semi-often and to my four year old who has never had to wait for her pizza, it was a new experience. She asked a million questions as to why we didn’t have our pizza and were on our way. I explained we had to wait…not an easy task for a four year old.

But hold on a minute; is waiting and patience an easy task for anyone living in this world right now? I think that my daughter may have had a little more patience than I did. We have virtually everything at our finger tips. We can check our e-mail, get the latest news, phone calls, get directions, text messages, etc at any time of the day or night, no matter where we are. Long gone are the days when we actually have to go to library to look up some information to get the answers we need. Sadly, this need to have everything quickly resolved and taken care of does not easily translate into other areas of our life.

Have you ever met someone who has gotten over a divorce in a day? What about when a loved one dies, not so easy to move forward in a week. Get fired from your job? That certainly isn’t something you can recover from in an hour. My point is that when you are talking about the things that matter most in life, the things that are still here when all of our gadgets ultimately break, are the hardest to get through when times get tough. It’s such a tough change in mindset as we are programmed to have things done quickly and when that doesn’t happen, the anxiety and depression can increase significantly. We then feel that something is wrong with us, that we will always feel bad and things will never get better. Looking into the future can be difficult and overwhelming.

Learning to adapt to major change in life takes time, self reflection, patience and learning how to live with that loss in addition to learning from it and growing from that knowledge. It’s first about identifying the positive things about you that are going to be your best asset in getting through the situation. They might not be very apparent to you at the time, but they are there and learning to build on those strengths is going to be a large part of the success in recovering from the changing event. Leaning on friends and family is extremely important as well. You might feel like a burden, but these are the people who are most important to you and they wouldn’t be there if they didn’t want to be. Taking time for you is key and realizing that setbacks are probably going to happen. Change does not happen immediately. We don’t learn to walk in one day.  Have you ever noticed that a one year old who tries to walk for the first time doesn’t give up when they fall down? They keep trying, as they know it will happen and their life will get a lot better when their legs and brains start working together. As adults we surely forget about this very basic part of life and learning.

All of the above is not an easy mind set to change overnight. But it never hurts to remember to slow down and allow yourself the time you need to get through the most important parts of life.

Getting the Support You Need and Deserve

There are so many people that we come into contact with in our lives on a daily basis. There are many that stick with us and serve many purposes. Our spouses to share most everything with, friends who have known us forever, co-workers that can get us through even the crappiest of work days, family members who are there no matter what, even our pets are great sources of support. The relationships we form are what can keep us going day to day. It’s important to have people in your life that you can turn to for support, help, a shoulder to cry on, to share recreational activities with, advice on things like parenting etc.

However, there can be a flip side to this and a shameless plug for the counseling profession. I have had several individuals in my office tell me that they come to see me for not only professional help, but it’s also nice to talk to someone who doesn’t know anything about them. One person told me a friend was a little hurt that she was seeing me, that the friend wasn’t good enough for support. Friends are WONDERFUL parts of our life and we need them. However, there are also those times that having an unbiased ear can be invaluable. Another person told me that he appreciates being able to talk to me and not have to “sugar coat” anything or worry about hurting my feelings. When we talk to others who are close to us about what is on our mind, we still have that filter on and take into account who that other person is to us and may leave out big parts of our thoughts and feelings. Having a counselor is beneficial to leave that filter at the door. Trust me, we have heard it all and won’t be surprised. Most likely what you are feeling and thinking is normal, but sometimes you need a place to get those things out, to sort through those thoughts and feeling s and gain some clarity and a plan of action.

I encourage you to keep talking to the people in your life who are the strong sources of support; we need them in our lives! Although if that extra clarity is what you desire, consider seeing someone about it as that is what we are here for!

I hope everyone is having a GREAT start to spring! It’s been a long winter for many of us with some crazy weather so please don’t forget to take care of yourself when you are tackling those spring cleaning projects!

A Little Something to Help Get You Through the Week!

May the sun always shine on your windowpane; May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain; May the hand of a friend always be near you; May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you…Irish Blessing

So I don’t have a lot of time this week for a detailed post…so in honor of St. Patrick’s Day this week, I thought the above Irish Blessing would be appropriate. In this fast paced world, it’s so easy to forget, or take for granted the simple things in life like the sun shining, good friends, etc. I encourage you to take time out this week to appreciate the good things in life and acknowledge them; you never know how your actions and words can impact someone else’s day!

Can You Hear Me Now?

There are a lot of counselors out there that specialize in one certain population like grief, depression, marital problems etc. As my partner and I are trying to grow our practice, we are more of a “jack of all trades” type counseling office. I see a variety of different people of all ages. I meet with people struggling with many different areas of life on a daily basis. Tonight I saw a handful of people right in a row and their concerns and goals for counseling were as different as night and day. Except for one thing….they just want to be heard. They want to have time for themselves to get off their chests whatever they want and not worry about anything else. People tell me all the time that they appreciate having the time to talk and I always stress to a new client that for that hour, it is THEIR time and no one else’s.

Isn’t that really what we all want out of life? We just want to be listened to, not just heard, but really listened to. There are so many times that when we engage in a conversation with someone that we are not truly listening to what the other person is saying, but rather, we are already formulating in our mind what is going to come out of our mouths and that might have nothing at all to do with the other person was trying to say. In relationships, what happens when a person doesn’t feel heard over and over again? A spouse might turn those feelings into anger and resentment, a teenager might isolate, an adolescent might act out to try to get attention in another way, an employee might just stop working and the list could go on and on.

It’s not an easy change at all to take the time to really listen to the people in your life and truly hear what they are saying. But if you start listening to what the people close to you are saying, positive things can come of this. Satisfaction in life can improve, as can your outlook on many different things. Your child might actually respond to you in a more positive way (notice I said “might”, kids are still interesting little beings that might never be completely understood :0) or your spouse might treat you a little differently, or your employee might increase their productivity. But if you are dealing with an issue that needs some better direction and unconditional regard, consider seeing someone about it. Get what you need from a professional and in turn, you might start getting those needs met from the people in your life as well.

My How Things Have Changed....

School bullies have been around since the beginning of time. It's human nature, it happens. No, I am not condoning it, just saying that tiffs on the playground are a part of growing up. HOWEVER, it's getting more and more concerning with the evolution of technology what bullying entails these days. I am by far no expert on the topic, however I feel it is one that is VERY important to take note of and if you are a parent, please pay attention to your children and behaviors that they might be exhibiting that could be indicative of being bullied. Adolescents and teenagers are very different creatures than adults (remember, you used to be one too) and they don't always want to talk to mom and dad about things that are bothering them. However, if your gut is telling you that something is up, PLEASE get them help. Seek out a trusted relative that the child feels comfortable with, a school counselor, clergyman, or counselor or doctor! Get them talking to someone! Since I don't have all the answers, I found a website that I will add the link to that might be of help to you and your family.

http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids/

I hope everyone is having a wonderful week so far!! Spring is right around the corner!!
And for all you parents of little ones, celebrate Dr. Seuss's birthday and read your favorite book with them today!!

Technical Difficulties....

So I  never claimed to be a computer expert, I married one, why do I need to learn all the ins and outs? Anyway, I have received a few e-mail about people not being able to leave a comment and lo and behold, I think I got it fixed. now anyone can leave their input, not just followers. Hopefully it works now, if not, feel free to e-mail me!! Thanks for reading!!!!

Snack Time!!!!!

Take a break from your day and share some food for thought with me. I was recently asked a rhetorical question the other that I did not have an answer to, but has got me thinking about. This person was talking in general about her life and stated something to the effect of:

Why do we only hang on to the bad stuff that happens to us? Sure, lots of good things have happened to me, but why do I not carry those with me like the bad stuff?

A very good point and as a human being and a professional, I didn’t have an answer. Of course, the things like severe trauma will stick with us for a very long time if help if not sought out. Although, on a more simple level, I can remember MANY happy times in my life that I thought life could get no better and then I walk home to find the dog had an accident on the floor again and there goes my happy mood! So that’s a pretty basic example, but I think we all react that way on some level.

Again, I would love to hear your input on this one and if you have any tricks that help you to stay focused on the positive and carry with you those “good things” and leave behind all the rest!

I hope you all have a GREAT rest of the week!

Changes in Attitude....

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day as you all know. I realize it’s a little strange, but it always brings me back to high school. A romantic at heart (I know, some of you who know me might disagree), but back in those teenage years, I always had such high anticipations for the long awaited Valentine’s Day. I hoped and prayed that the one person I had my eye on would finally come around, realize I was the one for him, and I would finally get asked out on that long awaited date. Well, that never happened and I would go home on Valentine’s Day with a bad attitude about life in general.

It is funny how one situation can change our attitude about things so drastically. I realize now, that if I had changed my attitude and line of thinking, I would have realized that I was a pretty lucky girl and one day those boys wouldn’t matter anymore and life would go on. Of course, telling that to a teenage girl can be pretty pointless and I would have laughed at those words.  But it got me to thinking, that we can experience these same things in our adult lives as well.

Over the years, I have met soooo many people coming to me, asking me, “Why can’t so and so just change” or “Why can’t they act differently to me?” If I had that magic wand to make people act the way they should, I would be able to retire incredibly early. What I have found most helpful in both working professionally with others and in my own life, is looking at how we can change our overall attitude and line of thinking and do what WE need to do to best deal with what we may not be getting from others in our lives.

It’s no big surprise that people in our life are going to frustrate the heck out of us. In-laws, siblings, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, bosses, or anyone we come into contact with and have a relationship are going to irritate the heck out of us at one time or another. Is it worth it to your own level of stress to make a big deal out of it? Or would it be more beneficial to accept that this person will not do and say the things you think they should and act on what did happen? This is not an easy task to do. In high school, it probably would have been helpful to me to accept that this certain person just wasn’t interested and realize that there was someone else who was. It could have saved me some heartache and bad attitudes that just brought me down, when I could have been enjoying some pretty good times instead of sulking in my own little world. (Of course then I might not have married that other person, couldn’t resist for all of you that have known me since high school :0)

This is also not something that happens overnight. It takes practice. We will still get ticked at others, we are human, it happens. But we only got one shot at life and isn’t it more enjoyable to live life instead of stewing on all of those things that we really have no control over? Take control over your attitude and your perception of things, and you might find that things are a little easier to manage.

Our Troops Need More Support

So I am cheating just a little in this week's post and putting up an article about an issue that I believe does not get enough attention from us. I would really like to expand my practice to focus on Veteran's Issues and the things that they face, along with their families, on a daily basis. Please share my information if you know someone who might benefit!


Congress.org - News : More troops lost to suicide

I Want A New Drug

I remember being miserable in my dorm room many years ago with my first experience with the stomach flu living away from home. I called my mom, of course, to see what I should do, to ask what pill I should take to make it all go away. My mom of course told me my only hope was to let it run its course and eat some saltines and drink Sprite. WHAT?!?! There was no magic pill that would make it all go away? I had to be miserable for how long? Turns out it was probably the work of some questionable food I ate in the dining hall that was making me pray for a VERY speedy recovery, as the bathroom was reallllly far away down the hall!

Guess you are wondering what my point is here? We live in an age when we have whatever we want, when we want it, all at our fingertips. We really don’t have to wait for much anymore. This is true for when we don’t feel good, we want that quick fix, that magic pill to make it all go away. And at times, there is that magic pill available to us. I thank the makers of antibiotics every time my daughter gets an ear infection, as it usually goes away pretty quickly! However, what about those times we are anxious or depressed and want that quick fix to make it all go away? Not that easy unfortunately.

When we are looking at something like anxiety or depression, there is usually some underlying cause. Are you anxious over finances, your job, your current relationship, driving in the snow, being in a plane  and the list goes on…And yes, at times, anxiety medication is very beneficial to ease the symptoms. However, is it treating the cause? That pill will not make money appear in your checking account or make your co-worker act exactly the way you want them to. That pill might make you relax or to sleep better and make it easier to take on another day. But do you want to have to rely on a pill forever? For instance, a diabetic can take medications for diabetes to lessen the symptoms. However, making changes as well like diet and exercise can alleviate the need for that medication. The same with anxiety and depression can be true. Talking with a professional and getting to the root of the problem could be the trick to not having to rely on those medications. A counselor can help you find that cause, to discover the tools that you already have inside you in order to deal with things head on. No, it’s not an overnight process, but it is possible to work through these things and get your life under YOUR control, not under the control of medications.

Now here comes the disclaimer…..as I used to work closely with psychiatrists, who might argue some of the above points…I completely agree that medications ARE needed and beneficial to many people with mental illness. I pointed out above that medications are there to assist and work to help you better cope with things. Yes, some people truly NEED the medications to function on a day to day basis. However, the purpose of this post is to shed a little different light on things and maybe get some to think about things a little differently. Back in college I wanted that magic pill and if it was available, I would have been the first in line for it, however, I just had to give it time for that questionable food to get out of my system.

Everybody Hurts…In Their Own Way, in Their Own Time

I had planned on doing a post about grief this week and it seems to be a timely topic to many people close to me right now.  Grief has always been an interest of mine and it intrigues me to see how people deal with the death of a loved one. Everyone has their own way of coping and that is what is most important. There is no right or wrong way of grieving. I think that is the biggest myth of all, trying to get through it the “right way”. It’s human nature to compare yourself to others, to feel like they are moving on quicker etc. However, what you may not realize is that the person you are comparing yourself to, may not be coping as well as you think and is only putting on a “brave face” to get through the day.

Sadly, there is no instruction book for grief. There is no time frame in which you wake up one day and everything is completely back to normal for you. It’s about finding that new “normal” and learning to go on each day without that loved one just a phone call away. Lots of people rely on faith, which can be extremely beneficial to many as it puts meaning to life and death and being able to find comfort in the greater power taking care of everything. Other people find it helpful to come up with ways of making a tribute to the person who has passed, whether starting a scholarship, getting a spot named for a person etc. Others may lean on their family and friends to get through it, they might join a support group to be with others who have been in the same situation and some people seek professional help when the grief becomes too overwhelming.  I guess what it all boils down to, grief is an individual situation, and YOU need to do what YOU need to do to get through it. Remember that your relationship with the deceased is unique and no one else had that relationship, therefore, the way you grieve is going to be unique as well.

For those of you close to someone who is grieving, the best thing you can do is follow their lead. Be there for them, not just the week of the funeral, but a week, a month a year later to offer your ear and support. Talk about the deceased person, keep their memories alive. Be flexible, if the person grieving lost someone especially close to them like a child or parent, know that this person will forever be affected by the death of their loved one and will need to patience of friends and family to be there for them even when they have those especially rough days and weeks.

Having a loved one die is something that you will NEVER “get over”. The pain will lessen, you will learn a new way of life without that person present, but the loss of someone close to you will affect you forever. So if you are in these shoes right now, take time for yourself, do what YOU need to do, lean on those close to you and by all means, if you feel that the grief is overwhelming and you are not able to function on somewhat regular basis, please seek out help. 

Stay tuned for more discussions on this topic, as it seems to be something that can be discussed at length! And as always, I would love to hear your comments and suggestions!

But I Don’t Wear The Same Size Shoes As You Do!

In the duration of my professional career, I have often heard that people will sometimes seek out a counselor who has been through the same experiences so a person will feel that the counselor “really gets it”. I completely understand that line of thinking; however, you might be hard pressed to find a counselor who can be effective to you if they have had the same experiences as you and who have walked a mile in  your shoes. For instance, say you are looking for a counselor who has also been through a divorce. I am fortunate enough to say that I have been married for several years and I cannot relate to the experiences of a break up of a marriage. However, to put a different spin on it, would you want a counselor who has been through this situation and it was less than pretty and therefore it has the potential to carry over into the professional relationship in a detrimental way? I can’t imagine that as a human being, I would be able to be effective to you if a nasty divorce was still fresh for me and staying neutral would be pretty close to impossible.

The focus I use in a counseling relationship is to find out where the person is coming from, what their perspective is and go forward from there. It can be very beneficial to a person to get another point of view from someone who has the clinical knowledge and skills to help you get out of the tough spot you are in. Getting that help from someone that is not immersed in the same situation themselves can offer other ways of coping. There are many support groups in this world that can help you get the support you need in order to not feel alone, to feel like what you are going through is normal and learn from that. My role is also along the same lines, to normalize those feelings and learn how to effectively cope with them. But it is one step more, to give you support and help you grow from the situation, learn from it and move forward.

Even if I do share the same experience with you, it’s not the same experience. For instance let’s say you had a grandparent die and you are having a hard time coping with this loss. I have been there too, but your relationship with your grandparent is probably vastly different than the one I had with mine. So even though the situation was the same, the circumstances are not. I will offer a comfortable place to talk, to tell me your story and your experience and develop goals to get you to where you want to be. To see a counselor is to know that the hour you see this person, is YOUR time, it is about YOUR experiences and getting YOUR life back on track.