A Few Words of Wisdom

So this is another post on grief, and I can't take the credit for what is written, but I think this is some GREAT information. I can across this in an e-mail that I received and it talks about individuals going through the grief process and things to consider from those who are experiecning it first hand. Have a great weekend everyone!

Lessons from the Bereaved

Don’t tell me what I should do. The fact is, I AM doing what I should, whether it is crying, working, laughing, traveling, or doing nothing. Only I know what I SHOULD do at any given time and I need to learn to trust that personal wisdom without your judgments. Encourage me to look inward for knowing what is right for me, rather than relying on advice from others.

Resist telling me that you know just how I feel, because you can’t know, even if you have experienced a similar loss. My relationship to the one who died is unique and only I know our history together. It is much more helpful for me if you ask me what I am feeling and thinking, and allowing me to share that with you. I need to trust that you will listen without telling me not to feel that way. After all, when was the last time your anger evaporated when someone told you not to feel that way?

Listen to me when I need to talk, even when I repeat myself.Others turn away from me or try to distract me, not wanting to hear my stories over and over again. Perhaps they think that it is not healthy for me to dwell on what happened, but I need to sort it all out to come to some understanding of it. Sometimes the best way for me to do that is by talking. Your patience in listening to me is so appreciated.

Allow me to be who I am without worrying about meeting the expectations that others seem to have for widows or bereaved parents.Those expectations are not always spoken, yet they are real and they are perplexing to me. For example, when you compliment me on how good I look, I wonder what I am supposed to look like. I have never been in this situation before and it is distressing to no longer be able to rely on old habits and behavior patterns that were comfortable and predictable. My world has changed so abruptly that I am not even sure who I am without my loved one. I know this will change in the future, but for right now I need people who will simply accept who I am today by reminding me that it is okay for me to have no definitive answers regarding the future and by eliminating expectations regarding when I should be back to my “old self,”  for that may never happen.

Respect my silences and occasional need to be alone.Sometimes being with others simply takes more energy than I have. An unreturned phone call doesn’t mean I don’t care about you; I simply have limited energy and cannot do everything that I want to or that needs to be done. If I turn down an invitation to go out, please accept that gracefully and ask me again in the future.

Avoid minimizing my grief by telling me that “it was just a friend” or by reminding me that other people have experienced greater losses. I already know those things to be true and I am grateful every day that I still have much for which to be thankful. I need you to validate that my losses are real and that my grief is justified. My grief should not be compared to the grief experiences of others.

Remember that it is okay if I cry.You are not responsible for my tears--you did not make them happen. Sometimes, waves of grief overcome me and I seem to cry for no reason. I am learning to live with that and don’t want it to make you uneasy. Simply being with me and allowing those tears is comforting to me.

Offers to help are much easier for me if they are specific. I worry about imposing on others and probably will not call you if I need help. Therefore, a vague, “Call if you need anything.” is not helpful. Instead, if you call to say that you are on the way to the store and offer to pick up a few things for me, I would find that very helpful. Especially if I shopped with the person who died, shopping might be one of the tasks I most dread.

Never assume that I am over my grief. There is no time limit on grief. As I adjust to the reality that my life will never be the same again, I need you to continue to call or in other ways let me know that you still care. Some days are more difficult than others, such as birthdays, holidays, and the anniversary of the death. This does not end when the first year is over, so I appreciate your thoughtful cards and phone calls. It feels good to hear other people say the name of my loved one, for that lets me know that she is part of your memories too. One of my fears is that she will be forgotten, so when you mention her, it is reassuring that even though she is not here physically, she is still in your memory.

As caregivers, our intentions for those we are entrusted to help are benevolent. However, we need to remind ourselves that regardless of our professional training or personal experiences, the best support we can offer others is to let them tell us what they need. It is a precious gift that we call all give.

Lessons from the Bereaved, Copyright © 2011 by Catherine Johnson. All rights reserved.

Unchartered Territory

When I was going to grad school for my degree in counseling, the internet was still fairly new. Yes, I sound ancient as was there really life before the internet? We actually had to go to the library to research things…but I digress. Things have changed SO much in the past several years and I am curious about the future repercussions of all this information and social networking right at our finger tips. I would be willing to bet that in many years to come, classes will be offered on how to deal with all of this as professionals.

What I am getting at, is the major impact that social networking is having on our personal lives. Sites like Facebook, Twitter etc provide us with so much information about people at a moment’s notice. When Facebook first came into play, my first feeling was, “not something else to keep up with, I don’t have time for this”. Then I thought it was a glorified Classmates website. (I am really dating myself here). However, I was pleasantly surprised at all the benefits of this site. Reconnecting with people I haven’t talked to in ages. People I always wondered what happened to them and now I could, it was not just another thing to deal with. I was able to network, get ideas, commiserate with others who were in the same boat as me, keep up with family I don’t see on a regular basis etc.

BUT, and there is always a but….as my practice grows and I meet with more and more people, I have found that sites such as this can also be a source of stress, mainly in relationships. I also see the negative impact of it all. People deleting others, putting updates that aren’t kind and directed at specific people, removing pictures and the list goes on and on. It’s a challenge for me to assist people in working through it all as our society is changing from being forced from verbal communication to relying on the internet or text messages or e-mail to communicate. The problem is that a lot can be misinterpreted in this type of communication. You can’t convey tone or emotion in communicating electronically and a lot can be left up to interpretation, or misinterpretation. From there, it can lead to many hurt feelings and relationships being damaged and that’s not always the intended purpose.  I see a lot of drama that isn’t always warranted.

I wish I had a great answer for resolving all of this and how to ensure that the communication that is intended is received in the intended way. Sadly, there is no magic answer. My standpoint is to still encourage people to just ask another person just what is going in a relationship and not leave it up to trying to read between the lines. I realize that this is no easy feat at times, but living with the unknown can cause much increased anxiety and stress and frankly we don’t have time for in this face paced world.

Technology is great and has so many benefits. Please keep in mind how you use this technology and that there is always someone on the receiving end of things. Don’t get me wrong, technology has also made it easy to say those things that are so difficult to say in person (yes, I am guilty of this too) but in the end, what is most important is the relationship we have with other when the electricity is out and we can’t get on our computers!!!!

Have a GREAT rest of the week everyone and as always, I would love to hear if you have any ideas about future topics on here!

Kids and Counseling

When I first started on the venture of making counseling a career, I truly thought that adults would be the ONLY population I would see. I commended middle and high school teachers for being able to spend every day with the creatures I avoided the most. I wanted nothing to do with this age group. Nothing.

But in former jobs, I got a taste of working with teens and trudged through it, ready to move on to someone that I could rationalize with, with people who were better able to see things in a different light, with a different perspective on life in general. I soon learned that in building a private practice with people in my office, I would need to give up those ideals and see some teenagers and adolescents. Was I a little apprehensive about it? Absolutely! Was it also one of the best decisions I ever made? You bet.

I have come to find that teens and adolescents are the ones in need the most of someone outside of family to talk to. My preconceived notion of only those children coming from the most troubled homes needed counseling soon dissolved once I began meeting with more and more teens. I see those with very close family units, parents who are present and available to their kids and want nothing but the best for their children. It is amazingly hard to grow up in this world. Teens don’t always want to be open with their parents for a variety of reasons. Fear of getting in trouble, fear of disappointing their parents and loved ones, fear that what they are thinking is not normal, and worry that they just aren’t fitting into this world like they should.

What I was most worried about when meeting with a teen or adolescent was that it would be the LONGEST 50 minutes of my life, sitting there in silence with a kid who was forced to be there and didn’t want to be and therefore did not speak one word. I found the complete opposite, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief! This age group benefits greatly from having someone to talk to outside of the family and school atmosphere to get it all out in a supportive and comfortable environment. If someone is under 18, I do have the right to discuss anything said in a session with their parents. HOWEVER, I emphasize the fact that this is THEIR place. I will not tell their parents or guardians anything with them knowing it first. (Unless of course they threaten to harm themselves or someone else). I strive to provide that safe place for them to unload, to normalize what they are thinking and feeling and help them to work through things in a positive and healthy way. As it turns out, those 50 minutes goes by really fast and I sometimes wish that appointment could go on for two hours, not just one. Who knew?

So all you parents out there, I understand it is not always easy to come to the realization that they need someone besides you to talk to. As parents, from the day that child is born, we are  programmed to believe that we can fix it all, that a kiss to that boo boo and a good heart to heart talk will make it all better. However, as children get older and reach those middle and high school years, they face the struggles of finding their own way in this world and for many various reasons, can’t always be 100% open and honest with mom and dad. It has nothing to do with your parenting skills, it’s just the way this age is programmed to operate. So I encourage you that if you see your child in this age group to be struggling with something, get them help.  As always, my phone consultations are free and confidential and I would be happy to talk with you to discuss if counseling is the right answer for them, or some other option.

Dreaming...

HAPPY SPRING!!! It’s April, does that mean that FINALLY the snow is gone at least for several more months? It’s been a long winter and it is so nice to see the trees and flowers blooming, birds returning, my dogs chasing the squirrels through the yard and being able to enjoy the warm sunshine! Spring is a time of new things happening such as the baby birds and chicks making their way into this world.  For many people out there, it is bittersweet, as this is a time of new life, so many people in this world are aching on a daily basis for new life to happen for them. The last week of April is National Infertility Awareness Week and a topic I wanted to bring a little attention to on here.

Infertility continues to be one of those topics that isn’t talked about much. When a couple is going through this, it tends to be a private matter between the husband and wife and the doctor. They may not feel like talking about it for a number of reasons. They might feel inadequate that their bodies are not working the way nature intended and therefore, they are somewhat at fault for not being able to conceive. But it isn’t something they did or didn’t do.  It can be due to a medical condition than can sometimes be fixed. On the other hand, they might be told from the doctor that there is no medical explanation for why a baby isn’t happening for them.  This unknown can be incredibly frustrating and put a strain on relationships and make others areas of life hard to deal with. A woman going through infertility feels surrounded by others who are experiencing the joys of motherhood, men don’t know how to comfort their wives and increased stress for themselves. The joy of hoping to create life soon becomes a “job” and can put a strain on any relationship.

So why isn’t this something that is talked about more? I think it boils down to people don’t know what to say. For those who have never been through it, understanding is nearly impossible. Of course the same is true for many other situations as well. But women and men are often told by well meaning individuals to “relax and it will happen”, “stop thinking about it and it will happen” or “decrease the stress in your life and it will happen”. I know people mean well, but let’s be real. Telling someone to relax and they will conceive is like telling someone with a head cold to relax and you will feel all better, or stop thinking about that hacking cough you have and it will go away. If a person had that much control over being able to conceive, they would have had six babies by now! The best thing you can do for someone experiencing this is to just ask them if they want to talk about it. Ask them what it is like for them. Listen, listen and listen. They probably don’t want to hear how your second cousin’s wife’s brother’s sister got pregnant by eating sticks and berries. Or, they might not want to talk about it at all. It can be something that is one their mind constantly and to have some time out with a friend to get their minds off things can be great therapy as well.

I used to be so guilty of making hints to people without kids about pregnancy etc. I wish I could take it all back, as I didn’t always know if something else was going on for them and my questions hurt more. But thinking about it more, it saddens me that this is a topic that isn’t talked about more. I encourage you to support your friends and family who might be experiencing infertility and let them know you care. This is certainly a topic I could go on and on about as there are so many aspects of it that people don’t always consider. But hopefully by bringing just a little awareness to others is a good first step.  My thoughts are with you all who are dreaming of holding a little one in your arms some day and dreaming of becoming a mommy or a daddy!