Children and Grief

We have some very sweet elderly neighbors, Jack and Jill (it goes without saying that names have been changed). Sadly, Jack passed away a few weeks ago, after being on life support for a few days. My six year daughter did not really know Jack, but did overhear my husband and I discussing the situation. In her short six years, she is no stranger to people going to heaven and more on that in a minute, but my husband and I explained to her that Jack was sick and went to heaven. Her sweet self responded that “Jack will like it in heaven”. She went on to ask “If Jill dies, who will take care of her dog?” (we had been filling in taking care of Jack and Jill’s’ dog while Jack was in the hospital.)

My heart melted and reminded me of how black and white children can sometimes be about things as difficult to explain as death and dying. There always seems to be a big question about how to talk to children about death. Do you ignore it, do you approach the subject, and how do you say the things that need to be said? I really wish that I had all the answers, but hopefully this will help shed a little light for you in this area, should it come up. Obviously, things really depend on the child’s age and developmental stage, so please take what I say here as some general guidelines and as usual, there are exceptions and circumstances to every situation.

Be honest with them, but keep it basic. I told my daughter that Jack was sick and went to heaven. Short, sweet and to the point. However, I immediately followed up with saying that just because someone is sick, they don’t always die. They don’t need to be scared that the next time they or a close family member catches a cold that it’s terminal. I also added that even though Jack was in the hospital, lots of people go to the hospital and don’t end up going to heaven, as mommy did when I had her little sister. Give them real life examples of thing going right. Trust me, their little minds are working faster than you can imagine and you don’t want them to worry about things we might not consider.

Don’t tell them that a person is “sleeping”. This is especially true if a child attends a wake where there is a viewing. There will then be a chance that they will be afraid that someone they love will go to sleep forever and thus be afraid to sleep themselves. Again, be direct, but in simple terms. Reinforce that the person is in heaven and won’t be coming back. Yes, it can be so hard to say that in such specific ways, but that is how kids make sense of this world.  Younger children are very black and white on these kinds of things and keeping it simple is key.

Bring the child to the services, wake etc dependent on the circumstances and the age of the child. And by circumstances, I mean how close was the child to the deceased? I don’t believe they need to be exposed to a funeral of great aunt Edna if they have never met her or had any contact with her. However, a grandparent who they have spent a lot of time with is completely different. But put it on their level. Consider taking them to a wake for a very limited time. Or not go to the funeral, but the gathering afterwards. There are no set rules to this, but bottom line is that if a loved one of a child dies, that child will be impacted and they need to be included on some level that is appropriate to them.

My mother in law passed away when my daughter was three months shy of turning two. She knew her Grandma at the time, but now doesn't remember her. Grandma was a very big part of her life up until her passing and we strive to make sure she knows all about her Grandma. We keep things simple, talking about her when she sees a picture of Grandma Denison and that she is now an angel looking down on my daughter. Questions about Grandma are sporadic, but they come up and we answer them as best as we can. Our daughter is a sweet reminder of the innocence of children and their views on death. She told me the other day that “Grandma lives in our hearts”. That is not something that I remember saying specifically to her, but it’s what her mind has gathered from the situation. However, her mind does still go to that concrete thinking, as I remember a conversation not too long ago when my husband was talking about his mom and our daughter innocently said “Daddy, you remember she is dead right?” Thanks for the reminder kid…..

But bottom line is that there is no rule book on this one. Every situation is different, but my advice to you is to keep it simple, direct and honest. If they ask questions, answer them the best you can and be sensitive to their age. I compare it to the every challenging “birds and bees” conversation. Their minds are working so hard to try to figure out this crazy world and being honest is the best way to go, but keeping it on their level is so very important.

And please note that this is only touching the surface of children and grief. I kept it pretty simple and obviously there are situations that are considerably more complex that what I am talking about. If that’s the case for you and you are struggling on how to approach your children on this subject, call me, I would be happy to talk with your further about a specific situation. There are so many resources out there regarding this subject, so take the time to search them out in books or on the internet (from a reputable source of course).

As always, I welcome your comments, suggestions, concerns etc. Thanks again for reading!!!