Everybody Hurts…In Their Own Way, in Their Own Time

I had planned on doing a post about grief this week and it seems to be a timely topic to many people close to me right now.  Grief has always been an interest of mine and it intrigues me to see how people deal with the death of a loved one. Everyone has their own way of coping and that is what is most important. There is no right or wrong way of grieving. I think that is the biggest myth of all, trying to get through it the “right way”. It’s human nature to compare yourself to others, to feel like they are moving on quicker etc. However, what you may not realize is that the person you are comparing yourself to, may not be coping as well as you think and is only putting on a “brave face” to get through the day.

Sadly, there is no instruction book for grief. There is no time frame in which you wake up one day and everything is completely back to normal for you. It’s about finding that new “normal” and learning to go on each day without that loved one just a phone call away. Lots of people rely on faith, which can be extremely beneficial to many as it puts meaning to life and death and being able to find comfort in the greater power taking care of everything. Other people find it helpful to come up with ways of making a tribute to the person who has passed, whether starting a scholarship, getting a spot named for a person etc. Others may lean on their family and friends to get through it, they might join a support group to be with others who have been in the same situation and some people seek professional help when the grief becomes too overwhelming.  I guess what it all boils down to, grief is an individual situation, and YOU need to do what YOU need to do to get through it. Remember that your relationship with the deceased is unique and no one else had that relationship, therefore, the way you grieve is going to be unique as well.

For those of you close to someone who is grieving, the best thing you can do is follow their lead. Be there for them, not just the week of the funeral, but a week, a month a year later to offer your ear and support. Talk about the deceased person, keep their memories alive. Be flexible, if the person grieving lost someone especially close to them like a child or parent, know that this person will forever be affected by the death of their loved one and will need to patience of friends and family to be there for them even when they have those especially rough days and weeks.

Having a loved one die is something that you will NEVER “get over”. The pain will lessen, you will learn a new way of life without that person present, but the loss of someone close to you will affect you forever. So if you are in these shoes right now, take time for yourself, do what YOU need to do, lean on those close to you and by all means, if you feel that the grief is overwhelming and you are not able to function on somewhat regular basis, please seek out help. 

Stay tuned for more discussions on this topic, as it seems to be something that can be discussed at length! And as always, I would love to hear your comments and suggestions!

But I Don’t Wear The Same Size Shoes As You Do!

In the duration of my professional career, I have often heard that people will sometimes seek out a counselor who has been through the same experiences so a person will feel that the counselor “really gets it”. I completely understand that line of thinking; however, you might be hard pressed to find a counselor who can be effective to you if they have had the same experiences as you and who have walked a mile in  your shoes. For instance, say you are looking for a counselor who has also been through a divorce. I am fortunate enough to say that I have been married for several years and I cannot relate to the experiences of a break up of a marriage. However, to put a different spin on it, would you want a counselor who has been through this situation and it was less than pretty and therefore it has the potential to carry over into the professional relationship in a detrimental way? I can’t imagine that as a human being, I would be able to be effective to you if a nasty divorce was still fresh for me and staying neutral would be pretty close to impossible.

The focus I use in a counseling relationship is to find out where the person is coming from, what their perspective is and go forward from there. It can be very beneficial to a person to get another point of view from someone who has the clinical knowledge and skills to help you get out of the tough spot you are in. Getting that help from someone that is not immersed in the same situation themselves can offer other ways of coping. There are many support groups in this world that can help you get the support you need in order to not feel alone, to feel like what you are going through is normal and learn from that. My role is also along the same lines, to normalize those feelings and learn how to effectively cope with them. But it is one step more, to give you support and help you grow from the situation, learn from it and move forward.

Even if I do share the same experience with you, it’s not the same experience. For instance let’s say you had a grandparent die and you are having a hard time coping with this loss. I have been there too, but your relationship with your grandparent is probably vastly different than the one I had with mine. So even though the situation was the same, the circumstances are not. I will offer a comfortable place to talk, to tell me your story and your experience and develop goals to get you to where you want to be. To see a counselor is to know that the hour you see this person, is YOUR time, it is about YOUR experiences and getting YOUR life back on track.

It All Began With The Toilet Seat...

When I first started this blog (I know, not that long ago) a family member of mine was joking when he suggested a good topic to be “Why does the toilet seat play a role in 98% of divorces”? At first, I laughed along, but the more I thought about it, it’s a good topic for here actually, so thanks for the suggestion! I doubt that this statistic is correct, as 98% of divorces is a pretty high number to be pegged to one thing like putting the seat up or down. I did Google it to see if it had any validity and found a vast amount of links out there of people discussing this very thing.

In all seriousness though, it’s not the toilet seat we are really talking about. It’s the breakdown in communication between couples that can be a main cause of relationship problems and divorce. It can start with something as simple as not putting the toilet seat down and snowball from there. That’s the funny thing about relationships; we tend to not talk about the things that bother us because it’s sometimes easier and after too long, people get in the groove of not talking about the things that matter. A wife might get tired of asking her husband to pick up his laundry off the floor, so she stops nagging and gets more and more irritated each time she picks up another dirty sock. “What’s the point in saying anything” she thinks and continues about her day. But then this habit of not saying anything and biting her tongue becomes the norm and then she is not talking to her spouse about the bigger issues in life, like her displeasure in her job, the stress of the children, money and the list can go on and on. Our spouses need to be our biggest cheering section, sounding board and source of support. But when we shut that person out, that relationship starts to weaken. It can be common to feel like our spouse should know when we are irritated and be able to pick up on these things. But let’s be real, we are busy, things are going on everyday, it can be hard to always pick up on our partner’s cues that they need to be listened to. It is up to the person in need of an ear to speak up and then set aside that time to talk to your spouse or partner. Because if too much time goes on and nobody is talking, then what happens? The questions of where did things go wrong; what happened to our marriage etc. might soon begin.

So, I am not at all encouraging more nagging to your spouse, I think we know how that can turn out. But if there is something like the toilet seat causing a problem in your relationship, then talk about it. Make a compromise or two and go from there. Sometimes just asking your spouse what is on their mind can do amazing things, as the things we think in our heads are sometimes much worse than the reality of the situation.  

Over the years, the majority of couples I have worked with have come to see me due to an issue of communication. It can be fixed with work from both people in the relationship. If you know someone in need of some assistance, give me a call, as sometimes a third party is very beneficial in working on effective communication with the person that is most important to you!

I hope everyone is have a great start to 2011 and would love to hear other ideas for topics if you have one!!

Love to Hear From You

Just a quick thought today...for those readers out there, I would love to hear your input, comments, suggestions etc about the topics here. Feel free to comment right on here in the comment section of each post, or you can also e-mail me confidentially at ldenison@lpcservicesstl.org
I look forward to hearing from you as we start off 2011!