Black and White

Yes it is the year 2011. Technology is everywhere to make our lives simple, quick and easy. But I have a confession….I still pay my bills by writing a check and putting it in the mail. Pretty out dated way of doing things huh? The truth is, I like writing it down and tracking everything in my checkbook. When I am forced to put it to paper, I can see where my money is going and from there make changes accordingly. If I just looked at it on the bank website, I might just glance at it and go about my day. There are definitely some perks of getting things down the old fashioned way on pen and paper.

I frequently tell people that I see the same thing. Getting things down on paper can have great results when dealing with other issues in your life as well. A teen can benefit greatly from having a journal as a private place to record thoughts that they don’t want to share with parents or friends. A recovering addict might benefit from recording how much money was spent on their habit over the course of a month or a year to see one of the benefits from staying clean. A person going through the end of a relationship can find it helpful and releasing to write a letter to the other person to get all the thoughts left hanging out and not bottled up anymore. (Although, sometimes it might be good not to send that one!) A person dealing with grief can find it helpful to write letters to the loved one that is gone and taking it to the gravesite to leave for that person as one way or working through grief.

The point is, sometimes when things are out instead of swimming around in your head can make things more clear and enable you to focus on things in a different way. I often refer these thoughts as like a sneeze you are trying to hold it, you can try and try, but it comes out in some way and the longer you try to hold it in, the more unpleasant it is when it does come out. Our emotions are the same way. We can’t keep them bottled for a long time, as they eventually come out. Of course I feel that the best way to work through things is talking about them. But on the other hand, we also know ourselves the best and getting things out on pen and paper can give you a clearer understanding on where you are and where you want to go.  

On a side note, I am currently on leave from working as I am taking maternity leave to be with my little one. I will continue to update this blog (again, hopefully more frequently) and am looking forward to getting back in the swing of things. And as always, love to hear your comments etc., so let me know what you think and if you want me to write about anything in particular here!!! It’s good to be back!

You Just Have No Idea….

So here I am updating the “weekly” blog a month later…..whoops once again!! I think I need to be a better boss to myself these days! It’s been a pretty busy month for me and I am finally doing the catch up that is needed right now in many areas, including this blog. My family had to say good-bye to my grandmother this past month. She was an amazing woman and lived a very full life in her 91 years here with us.  As with any death of a loved one, the memories are sure to come and I was no different and one memory that stands out is one that I have actually been meaning to bring up on here.

Shortly after my boyfriend proposed we went to go tell my grandma the news. And by shortly after, I mean that the ring was put on my finger about two hours prior to showing up at her house.  Grandma was happy for us, but after her congratulations, she went on to say something to the tune of “I am happy for you all, but you really have no idea what you are getting into”. Really grandma, these are the words you are choosing for your newly engaged granddaughter? She went on to say how marriage is a lot of hard work and you just don’t realize it and the amount of work marriage takes until you are in the midst of married life. Granted her and grandpa were married 55 years, so she obviously knew what she was talking about.

At that time, I didn’t think much about it and enjoy retelling this story to cousins of who are at the age of getting married etc. But the more I think about it and the more I work with couples on a weekly basis, I begin to think about relationships and marriage in a new light. Does anyone actually view their relationship as “work”?  Do you respond to things your boss requests of you differently than you would when your spouse requests something of you? Do you treat your spouse with the same respect you would give a co-worker or potential client? Our spouses or significant others are supposed to be a main focus in our life and a priority, however, as normal human beings, we can forget that and it gets easy to take that person for granted when everything else gets busy or stressful. Due to the world right now, a lot of people are not in a place that they can take their job for granted and will go the extra mile needed to maintain employment. But how many of us will go that extra mile if they feel that their relationship is on the line? Or do other things get in the way and the relationship, the thing that is probably more valuable than a job in the long run, gets put on the back burner? I know that my grandparents had their ups and downs, but the importance of family and their marriage was always a priority and I believe that to some extent, they viewed it as "work".  I could go on and on and on regarding this topic, but just wanted to get my thoughts down and possibly give out some more food for thought. As always, I would love to hear comments, questions etc about this topic or anything else on here! I hope everyone is having a GREAT summer and staying cool!

Just a Quick Thought for the Day

“Rather than wishing for change, you first must be prepared to change” Catherine Pulsifer

Everyone that comes through my door wants some sort of change. Change in relationships, change in level of happiness, change in overall life satisfaction etc. Like the quote says, the very first step is getting prepared for that change. Sometimes change comes easy, sometimes it doesn’t. But you have to be prepared and ready to put the effort in to make real change in your life. Don’t wait for it to happen, don’t wait for someone else to do it for you, you have the power to make the changes you need!

I could and should go into more depth here, but thought I would just throw this out there to hopefully prompt you to start turning your own wheels if you are contemplating change. YOU know yourself the best and what is going to work best for you. And as always, if you need a little help with where to begin, give me a call, I am always here to help!!!!

And as far as the picture, it just made me laugh at myself with my own fear of technology sometimes and that sometimes change is just a little hard to adjust to for ALL of us!! Happy Tuesday everyone!!!

Date Night

Did you read those words and think you were reading a foreign language? If, so, I think it might be a good idea to keep reading! Sorry for the lapse in posts here, been a little busy around here lately, no excuse, I know!

Anyway, I wanted to write a short something about spending some time with our significant others. Sounds easy enough right? Do something as a couple and enjoy each other’s company if even for a few hours? I wish it was that easy. For those of you with children and full time jobs, carving out that time for the ones we choose to be with can feel like an almost impossible task.  Is it important for your relationship?  ABSOLUTELY!!!!

We tend to take for granted those that are closest to us, mainly our spouses or significant others. It’s a pretty nice feeling to know they are always going to be there no matter what. However, I seem to be meeting with more and more couples and individuals who can’t really recall the last time quality time was spent with their spouse. And truthfully, it’s not just professionally I am speaking about personally as well. I remember taking a class in grad school and the professor taught several nights a week and was a mother to five children. She stated at one point that she and her husband made it a point to put the kids to bed at a decent time and they sat outside together and actually talked to each other. At the time, I was planning my wedding and I thought, well, that seems like a no brainer, of course my spouse will be very high on the priority list in my life. The reality though, is that it rarely happens that I even think to put him first. A lot of our quality time is spent on the couch watching TV. Sure we are together, but only in proximity some nights.

I wish I had the magic wand to say, ok, on the first Saturday of every month, take some time out for you and your loved one and it will magically happen. The errands will be done, the babysitter will magically appear and things will be wonderful. But sadly, that’s not the case. But the importance of finding that time is GREATLY needed in any relationship. Date nights don’t have to be extravagant, they can be as easy as turning off the TV and talking. Getting out of the house even for an hour or two and do something that you used to enjoy as a couple before children came along can make you feel so much better! I encourage at least starting thinking about this and to hopefully start “scheduling” some of that time with your spouse. The benefits really do show!!

A Few Words of Wisdom

So this is another post on grief, and I can't take the credit for what is written, but I think this is some GREAT information. I can across this in an e-mail that I received and it talks about individuals going through the grief process and things to consider from those who are experiecning it first hand. Have a great weekend everyone!

Lessons from the Bereaved

Don’t tell me what I should do. The fact is, I AM doing what I should, whether it is crying, working, laughing, traveling, or doing nothing. Only I know what I SHOULD do at any given time and I need to learn to trust that personal wisdom without your judgments. Encourage me to look inward for knowing what is right for me, rather than relying on advice from others.

Resist telling me that you know just how I feel, because you can’t know, even if you have experienced a similar loss. My relationship to the one who died is unique and only I know our history together. It is much more helpful for me if you ask me what I am feeling and thinking, and allowing me to share that with you. I need to trust that you will listen without telling me not to feel that way. After all, when was the last time your anger evaporated when someone told you not to feel that way?

Listen to me when I need to talk, even when I repeat myself.Others turn away from me or try to distract me, not wanting to hear my stories over and over again. Perhaps they think that it is not healthy for me to dwell on what happened, but I need to sort it all out to come to some understanding of it. Sometimes the best way for me to do that is by talking. Your patience in listening to me is so appreciated.

Allow me to be who I am without worrying about meeting the expectations that others seem to have for widows or bereaved parents.Those expectations are not always spoken, yet they are real and they are perplexing to me. For example, when you compliment me on how good I look, I wonder what I am supposed to look like. I have never been in this situation before and it is distressing to no longer be able to rely on old habits and behavior patterns that were comfortable and predictable. My world has changed so abruptly that I am not even sure who I am without my loved one. I know this will change in the future, but for right now I need people who will simply accept who I am today by reminding me that it is okay for me to have no definitive answers regarding the future and by eliminating expectations regarding when I should be back to my “old self,”  for that may never happen.

Respect my silences and occasional need to be alone.Sometimes being with others simply takes more energy than I have. An unreturned phone call doesn’t mean I don’t care about you; I simply have limited energy and cannot do everything that I want to or that needs to be done. If I turn down an invitation to go out, please accept that gracefully and ask me again in the future.

Avoid minimizing my grief by telling me that “it was just a friend” or by reminding me that other people have experienced greater losses. I already know those things to be true and I am grateful every day that I still have much for which to be thankful. I need you to validate that my losses are real and that my grief is justified. My grief should not be compared to the grief experiences of others.

Remember that it is okay if I cry.You are not responsible for my tears--you did not make them happen. Sometimes, waves of grief overcome me and I seem to cry for no reason. I am learning to live with that and don’t want it to make you uneasy. Simply being with me and allowing those tears is comforting to me.

Offers to help are much easier for me if they are specific. I worry about imposing on others and probably will not call you if I need help. Therefore, a vague, “Call if you need anything.” is not helpful. Instead, if you call to say that you are on the way to the store and offer to pick up a few things for me, I would find that very helpful. Especially if I shopped with the person who died, shopping might be one of the tasks I most dread.

Never assume that I am over my grief. There is no time limit on grief. As I adjust to the reality that my life will never be the same again, I need you to continue to call or in other ways let me know that you still care. Some days are more difficult than others, such as birthdays, holidays, and the anniversary of the death. This does not end when the first year is over, so I appreciate your thoughtful cards and phone calls. It feels good to hear other people say the name of my loved one, for that lets me know that she is part of your memories too. One of my fears is that she will be forgotten, so when you mention her, it is reassuring that even though she is not here physically, she is still in your memory.

As caregivers, our intentions for those we are entrusted to help are benevolent. However, we need to remind ourselves that regardless of our professional training or personal experiences, the best support we can offer others is to let them tell us what they need. It is a precious gift that we call all give.

Lessons from the Bereaved, Copyright © 2011 by Catherine Johnson. All rights reserved.

Unchartered Territory

When I was going to grad school for my degree in counseling, the internet was still fairly new. Yes, I sound ancient as was there really life before the internet? We actually had to go to the library to research things…but I digress. Things have changed SO much in the past several years and I am curious about the future repercussions of all this information and social networking right at our finger tips. I would be willing to bet that in many years to come, classes will be offered on how to deal with all of this as professionals.

What I am getting at, is the major impact that social networking is having on our personal lives. Sites like Facebook, Twitter etc provide us with so much information about people at a moment’s notice. When Facebook first came into play, my first feeling was, “not something else to keep up with, I don’t have time for this”. Then I thought it was a glorified Classmates website. (I am really dating myself here). However, I was pleasantly surprised at all the benefits of this site. Reconnecting with people I haven’t talked to in ages. People I always wondered what happened to them and now I could, it was not just another thing to deal with. I was able to network, get ideas, commiserate with others who were in the same boat as me, keep up with family I don’t see on a regular basis etc.

BUT, and there is always a but….as my practice grows and I meet with more and more people, I have found that sites such as this can also be a source of stress, mainly in relationships. I also see the negative impact of it all. People deleting others, putting updates that aren’t kind and directed at specific people, removing pictures and the list goes on and on. It’s a challenge for me to assist people in working through it all as our society is changing from being forced from verbal communication to relying on the internet or text messages or e-mail to communicate. The problem is that a lot can be misinterpreted in this type of communication. You can’t convey tone or emotion in communicating electronically and a lot can be left up to interpretation, or misinterpretation. From there, it can lead to many hurt feelings and relationships being damaged and that’s not always the intended purpose.  I see a lot of drama that isn’t always warranted.

I wish I had a great answer for resolving all of this and how to ensure that the communication that is intended is received in the intended way. Sadly, there is no magic answer. My standpoint is to still encourage people to just ask another person just what is going in a relationship and not leave it up to trying to read between the lines. I realize that this is no easy feat at times, but living with the unknown can cause much increased anxiety and stress and frankly we don’t have time for in this face paced world.

Technology is great and has so many benefits. Please keep in mind how you use this technology and that there is always someone on the receiving end of things. Don’t get me wrong, technology has also made it easy to say those things that are so difficult to say in person (yes, I am guilty of this too) but in the end, what is most important is the relationship we have with other when the electricity is out and we can’t get on our computers!!!!

Have a GREAT rest of the week everyone and as always, I would love to hear if you have any ideas about future topics on here!

Kids and Counseling

When I first started on the venture of making counseling a career, I truly thought that adults would be the ONLY population I would see. I commended middle and high school teachers for being able to spend every day with the creatures I avoided the most. I wanted nothing to do with this age group. Nothing.

But in former jobs, I got a taste of working with teens and trudged through it, ready to move on to someone that I could rationalize with, with people who were better able to see things in a different light, with a different perspective on life in general. I soon learned that in building a private practice with people in my office, I would need to give up those ideals and see some teenagers and adolescents. Was I a little apprehensive about it? Absolutely! Was it also one of the best decisions I ever made? You bet.

I have come to find that teens and adolescents are the ones in need the most of someone outside of family to talk to. My preconceived notion of only those children coming from the most troubled homes needed counseling soon dissolved once I began meeting with more and more teens. I see those with very close family units, parents who are present and available to their kids and want nothing but the best for their children. It is amazingly hard to grow up in this world. Teens don’t always want to be open with their parents for a variety of reasons. Fear of getting in trouble, fear of disappointing their parents and loved ones, fear that what they are thinking is not normal, and worry that they just aren’t fitting into this world like they should.

What I was most worried about when meeting with a teen or adolescent was that it would be the LONGEST 50 minutes of my life, sitting there in silence with a kid who was forced to be there and didn’t want to be and therefore did not speak one word. I found the complete opposite, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief! This age group benefits greatly from having someone to talk to outside of the family and school atmosphere to get it all out in a supportive and comfortable environment. If someone is under 18, I do have the right to discuss anything said in a session with their parents. HOWEVER, I emphasize the fact that this is THEIR place. I will not tell their parents or guardians anything with them knowing it first. (Unless of course they threaten to harm themselves or someone else). I strive to provide that safe place for them to unload, to normalize what they are thinking and feeling and help them to work through things in a positive and healthy way. As it turns out, those 50 minutes goes by really fast and I sometimes wish that appointment could go on for two hours, not just one. Who knew?

So all you parents out there, I understand it is not always easy to come to the realization that they need someone besides you to talk to. As parents, from the day that child is born, we are  programmed to believe that we can fix it all, that a kiss to that boo boo and a good heart to heart talk will make it all better. However, as children get older and reach those middle and high school years, they face the struggles of finding their own way in this world and for many various reasons, can’t always be 100% open and honest with mom and dad. It has nothing to do with your parenting skills, it’s just the way this age is programmed to operate. So I encourage you that if you see your child in this age group to be struggling with something, get them help.  As always, my phone consultations are free and confidential and I would be happy to talk with you to discuss if counseling is the right answer for them, or some other option.